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Friends
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| | Subject: | Phew. | | Time: | 01:51 pm |
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| Kayso.
I REALLY didn't want to tell Alex about the **** thing.
I ended up telling him anyways.
Not telling someone something.
Is the same thing as lying to them.
Without Truth there's not Trust.
Without Trust there's nothing.
I love Alex.
With everything that I have.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.
He makes me happy.
And he treats me right.
I want to go to SWC.
I'm in the same boat is Jessica.
If you know her, that is.
It totally sucks.
I got baptized last Sunday.
But I still feel distant with God.
And I don't need that.
I need SWC so that I can get back.
To the place that I need to be.
Last year I was having sex.
Even the day before SWC.
And I'd stopped going to church.
I wasn't me anymore.
I paid in full for SWC way before.
I called and asked if there was a way to get a refund.
There wasn't a way and I didn't want to go anymore.
It had been $200 and I couldn't waste that much money.
Therefore, I had to go.
When I told my [ex]bf about it.
He got all pissed off because he hates Christians.
He didn't want me to go.
We started fighting a lot.
And got really distant.
He said it'd all be back to normal when I came back.
It wasn't even close to our "normal."
I decided I didn't want sex anymore.
And that I was going to go back to Calvary.
We ended up breaking up.
I continued to go to church.
I've been slipping away from God since November.
I honestly and truely have.
SWC got me where I needed to be last year.
And I know it could get me where I need to be this year.
And I know that if I asked Alex to help me stay there.
Then I know I could stay on track.
I just need SWC as a little bit of a push.
<33 | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | Over And Over Again! | | Time: | 04:37 am |
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| Why?
Why do you ALWAYS do this?!
Every. Single. Time.
You think I'll go back to you this time.
But this time I won't.
You've hurt me, now.
You hadn't before this.
But you hurt me.
And you won't own up to it.
You said I just hurt myself.
Why the HELL would I try to hurt MYSELF?!
That makes NO sense!
You're doing what Andy did to Kourt.
It's just WRONG!
I'm not going to be your boomarang.
I'm not going to come back whenever you want.
I'm not going to be your little toy.
I'm not going to let you hurt me.
I'm not going to let you put me down.
I'm not going to let it happen again.
Whether or not you did it for revenge.
It felt like it.
You made me cry.
You made me cry A LOT.
You never even said sorry.
Not once.
You still haven't.
You want all of my relationships to fail.
Because you, apparently, want to be with me.
Newsflash! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
I'm happy now.
Why can't you just be happy for me.
Instead of trying to make old feelings rise up.
So that you can hurt me all over again?!
You change, ****.
You REALLY do!
You change when you're with your friends.
I was falling for you when we'd be alone.
But when you were with your friends....
I just wanted to wring your neck!
I don't deserve this, ****.
I REALLY don't.
You don't even know about this.
You don't know that I'm writing this.
You don't know how I feel.
And I doubt I'll ever let you.
I love Alex, now.
I miss you.
You were my best friend.
You really were.
You were there for me.
But then you crushed me.
I trusted you.
You lost that trust.
Anyone reading this.
WHY?!
Why is it that whenever I see this boy.
Some of those feelings rush back??
Why is it that talking to him about this.
Is hurting me all over again??
WHY?!
It's just not fair.
I WONT go back to him.
I'm not stupid enough.
I love Alex.
He has my heart.
All of it.
<33
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!
I don't have feelings for ****!
I won't allow it.
I think it's just the old hurt.
Being brought back up.
Yeah.
Thats it.
:]
Sweetdreams.
Goodnight.
Goodmorning.
Goodbye.
<3 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Tags: | home, writer's block | | Current Music: | Am I all that you need? | | Subject: | So when you're safe settling, will you settle for me? | | Time: | 11:45 pm |
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Honestly I have 2 places that I call "home." Where I feel most loved, most accepted, and most wanted. Where I KNOW I'm surrounded by people that care and love me.
One of those places is at the Stadium. It's heckuv a cliche but I don't even care, some people there just make me feel like I am worth something, unlike how I feel at home. Me and my friend Addie were talking about it and we've never felt so much love from one place. We just feel like we belong, and we don't feel that with our parents who call us mistakes and don't want us. Man, i just love calvary so much.. ALOT of people there hate me but you know I really don't care. The FEW people that care love me so much it just fills in that hatred. :] I love it, I love JESUS!
And then my second home. More like my first. My MOST IMPORTANT. Is a place I like to call the GARCIAZ! Ughh, this family they just love me unconditionally. They make me feel soooooooooo uncontrolably like something! I can't even explain it bluh. I love my mom and my dad, they tell me I'm there favorite, and just the little things they do, they make me feel so important. I just love them I want to live there. And then taquita, my brother in law. He's beautiful He's my BESTFIRNEDDDDD everr. seriously I'm not just saying that I'm SERIOUS. Haha, he loves when I text seriously. So seriously! I do love him soo much he doesn't even see. And then Rachel my little sister she's so cute. She can be a brat and I don't care shoot. And then Joshuaaa, my pues? Idk he's just too much. No lie. I love you guys. Seriously. Your home is mine so get my own drank and sleep with da hynaz.
I love life, you guys. <3 | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I don't know what to do.
I NEED to go to spirit west coast. I know that I need to like I don't just want to, I need to. If I don't go than I don't think I'm going to make it. I need this boost in my faith and in myself. I need to be filled up again so I can keep going. I need God to just take this weight off my shoulders and I've long forgotten how.
I need to go.
I just don't know how it's going to be a possibility. I mean.
I don't have the money. Like I might be able to get JUST enough but thats by CHANCE.
I don't have a way to register. I can't go to church and thats a whole other part I'll get to later.
I don't have a tent to be in. I don't even know who's doing tents, like no one has asked me and I don't know who to ask.
Back to not being able to go to church. I mean my parents need to get over their issues. They shouldn't hold me back because OF someone who goes there. Honestly I barely ever leave the house anymore and it's suffocating me. Being home so much is making me feel lonely, depressed, unimportant, forgotten, basically every bad emotion and I just need to go back to church. Like I've never longed for something more than this. It's not for the fact that my friends are there. I just don't feel like I belong anymore and I don't feel like I have a point anymore. I need to go back.
I just don't know what to do.
Don't just read this and not say anything.
I need help.
God, please just let someone help me.
I'm starting to feel hopeless.
HELP ME. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | OhWow. | | Time: | 01:03 am |
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| I just found my old Xanga.
About when I first realized.
That I liked girls.
That's how my parents originally found out.
Haha.
:p
Well I gtg.
Before I get caught.
:]
<3 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i might not be who you want me to be. i might not be the best person in the world. but i am who i am and im sorry if thats not good enough for you. i dont try to be someone im not and i dont try and act like im something special. i'm just a normal kid. take it or leave it ill tell you straight up who i am and what im about. dont act like you know me. no one does. no one has proven themselves trustworthy with the things i need to confide in someone. everyone i thought i could trust has turned their back on me. everyone i cared about has screwed me over. and everyone i tried to hold on to, stopped caring and left me for dead. so i see no reason to care what any of you think about me. yes your opinions do effect me. because they either provide me with motivation. or... even though this is the only time i'll admit. they can cut me deeper than ill EVER admit to. words that are as cold as ice coming from the people i used to trust, people that used to mean the world to me.... it hurts, i pretend like it doesnt but it does. and its hard. but its not like i can do anything about it. i'm not going to change who i am to fit who you want me to be and real friends would just take that. the only real friends i have are the people who don't give up on me....
i don't know what else to say.
other than i've never been this dissappointed.
and i've never been this proud of myself.
that and get the heck over it. im moving on. no use in sitting around waiting for you. i have my own life to live and ive been just waiting here putting it on hold for you too long. i can't do this anymore.. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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